Sample Personal Essay
No one is Every Alone with a Panic Disorder
Life throws twists and turns every day, and more often than not, they are unexpected. Many peoples’ days are not normal or average. Similar to how there is no way to define a normal life or person. However, some people may say that they live more “normal” and easier lives than others do. I’ve lived with anxiety for about 12 years of my life, and it all started because of one experience that triggered this life-changing disorder – now, my biggest fear.
When I was in second grade, my teacher, Ms. Brown, was very strict when it came to leaving the classroom. Going to the bathroom could only be done in an absolute emergency. Still to this day, I don’t think she knows what an emergency really is, considering a young boy peed on the seat of his desk because she wouldn’t let him use the restroom. One day in class right before lunchtime, I started to have a horrible stomachache. I told Ms. Brown, but she told me that I was probably hungry and would feel better after lunchtime. So I waited until lunchtime rolled around and as my stomach pain grew worse. I was able to get a few raisins down before I knew that my stomachache was not from hunger. I ran over to my teacher and begged her to let me go to the nurse’s office. Just as she was saying “no,” I vomited. To this day I can’t eat just plain raisins. I have the diagnosis of emetophobia, the fear of throwing up, vomit, and being nauseous, along with a chronic panic disorder.
After that day, I would fake the flu so I wouldn’t have to go to school. I would visit the nurse every day and call my mother, begging for her to pick me up. Eventually, in eighth grade, I had to attend rehab and go through home schooling because I was too afraid to leave my house. I was afraid I would see people throw up, hear people throw up or catch a virus that could cause me to throw up. Even when I was home, I was in sheer panic. No matter where I was, I was panicking. It may seem shocking that something so odd or specific like throwing up could scare an individual so much. And when considering its prevalence, it really is a unique phobia, because it affects only .1% out of the 10% of the population who have specified diagnosed fears, such as the fear of spiders or heights (fearofvomiting.co.uk). Though so few people have this fear, it is just as potent as any other. Many times, someone with emetophobia wears motion sickness bands out of the belief that they will help his or her stomach. They also, myself included, constantly drink ginger ale or take Tums, and wash their hands. I can’t even add up the amount of money my parents spent on Eclipse peppermints over the past six years, due to the fact I continuously eat them; - peppermint can help settle stomachaches. A lot of the time, someone with a specific fear like emetophobia can develop other disorders such as anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Though emetophobia is a lot less common than panic disorder, both are difficult to manage and typically make accomplishing everyday tasks more complicated. With panic disorder, one has to worry about whether or not he or she may have a panic attack during something important, such as an interview or class. A panic attack may cause that individual to blow an interview and not receive the job offer, or the student may have to leave that class and miss out on extremely important information. Over four million Americans suffer from panic disorder and agoraphobia, or the fear of having a panic attack while in public. Being one of those four million I understand that though people can get help, it is difficult to listen to advice when an individual is trying to control their own thoughts and simply remember to breathe. The most common symptoms of a panic attack are uncontrollable shaking, difficulty breathing, dizziness, nausea, fear, and a racing heartbeat. Panic attacks can range anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, making it hard for people to do simple things and handle the necessary stresses of life.
When I have a panic attack my panic disorder and emetophobia are combined. They intertwine with each other and play games within my own head. I swear sometimes I can hear them plotting and laughing about the next time they will cause me to be anxious. My panic disorder causes me to shake, cry and hold my breath, while my emetophobia causes me to pop peppermints like candy and tell myself over and over that I am not sick and I will not throw up. Imagine a young child being afraid of the dark, that child hides under their covers at night, hugs their knees close to their chest and rocks back and forth repeating over and over, “It’s only nighttime, I will be okay, it’s only nighttime I will be okay.” Not only do I feel like a small helpless child when I panic, but I repeatedly have to tell myself I will be okay no matter where I am. If I’m in a classroom and can’t leave I will repeat “Alaina you are going to be okay you are not sick so you aren’t going to throw up,” over in my head. If I am in a movie theatre or at the mall, I will repeat “Alaina you are going to be okay,” over in my head and go to the bathroom and splash water on my face. If I am lying alone in my bed at night, I will rock back and forth like that small child afraid of the dark and tell myself I will be okay and I don’t have the stomach virus. Yet, many times telling myself those things does absolutely nothing. My head turns into a storm of emotions and fears and the only way for the panic to end is to simply go through it.
In many cases, panic disorder is genetic. If a member of a family has a panic disorder, then that child is twice as likely to develop the anxiety and panic disorder themselves. My mother also has a panic disorder, and every day I would call her to tell her I wished I could do something to change the way I am. She feels as though it is her fault. In the emotional sense it isn’t. She didn’t personally make that panic attack happen – genetics just made me more susceptible to developing the same condition. Now that my anxiety is better, I know that even though it was passed down the genetic train (and skipped my lucky sister), it has made me stronger.
Some individuals go to therapists to receive help on trying to overcome their fears that spring up panic attacks or anxiety. I myself went to five different practitioners until I finally found someone who, to some extent, actually understood my anxiety. She helped me work on breathing exercises and tried to help me figure out why I was afraid of throwing up. Everyone with different disorders is taught different techniques. Most therapists I saw in the beginning would just say, “It’s because you feel like your are out of control.” And in some cases that may be true, but in others I believe it may just be unexplainable. My therapist helped me realize that it probably came from when I was a baby. When I was a child, I was lactose intolerant. Unknowingly, the doctors gave me formula that was milk-based. I spent three days projectile vomiting (as gross as that is) whatever my mother gave me to drink because the nurses would not listen to my mother when she said something was wrong. Finally, I got a new formula and all was dandy – until I threw up in my second grade classroom, that is. But I believe that everyone’s panic and fears are different and stem from distinct experiences. Our experiences mold us and change us. I truly believe that had I not gone through all those years of fear and proved to my peers, teachers, counselors and school staff that I could somewhat overcome those fears, I would not be at Rowan today.
Whenever I have a panic attack when I’m with a friend or my boyfriend, they always tell me to calm down and just breathe, that everything will be okay. But it will never be that easy. Most of the time, individuals suffering from a panic attack cannot even pinpoint the source of the anxiety themselves. Yes, with long hours of help, emetophobia or panic disorder in general can be slightly relieved, but it is typically something with which one will always struggle. Some people are obsessive compulsive, some are bi-polar and some are depressive, but I live with emetophobia and panic disorder. Until one experiences it, he or she will never fully understand it.
Sources
Veale, David Dr. “Emetophobia- What is Emetophobia.” Emetophobia - Fear of Vomiting. FRCPsych. 2009. Web. 26 Apr. 2011.
"Panic Attack Disorder Facts." Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia, Anxiety. N.p., n.d. Web. 26 Apr. 2011.
Life throws twists and turns every day, and more often than not, they are unexpected. Many peoples’ days are not normal or average. Similar to how there is no way to define a normal life or person. However, some people may say that they live more “normal” and easier lives than others do. I’ve lived with anxiety for about 12 years of my life, and it all started because of one experience that triggered this life-changing disorder – now, my biggest fear.
When I was in second grade, my teacher, Ms. Brown, was very strict when it came to leaving the classroom. Going to the bathroom could only be done in an absolute emergency. Still to this day, I don’t think she knows what an emergency really is, considering a young boy peed on the seat of his desk because she wouldn’t let him use the restroom. One day in class right before lunchtime, I started to have a horrible stomachache. I told Ms. Brown, but she told me that I was probably hungry and would feel better after lunchtime. So I waited until lunchtime rolled around and as my stomach pain grew worse. I was able to get a few raisins down before I knew that my stomachache was not from hunger. I ran over to my teacher and begged her to let me go to the nurse’s office. Just as she was saying “no,” I vomited. To this day I can’t eat just plain raisins. I have the diagnosis of emetophobia, the fear of throwing up, vomit, and being nauseous, along with a chronic panic disorder.
After that day, I would fake the flu so I wouldn’t have to go to school. I would visit the nurse every day and call my mother, begging for her to pick me up. Eventually, in eighth grade, I had to attend rehab and go through home schooling because I was too afraid to leave my house. I was afraid I would see people throw up, hear people throw up or catch a virus that could cause me to throw up. Even when I was home, I was in sheer panic. No matter where I was, I was panicking. It may seem shocking that something so odd or specific like throwing up could scare an individual so much. And when considering its prevalence, it really is a unique phobia, because it affects only .1% out of the 10% of the population who have specified diagnosed fears, such as the fear of spiders or heights (fearofvomiting.co.uk). Though so few people have this fear, it is just as potent as any other. Many times, someone with emetophobia wears motion sickness bands out of the belief that they will help his or her stomach. They also, myself included, constantly drink ginger ale or take Tums, and wash their hands. I can’t even add up the amount of money my parents spent on Eclipse peppermints over the past six years, due to the fact I continuously eat them; - peppermint can help settle stomachaches. A lot of the time, someone with a specific fear like emetophobia can develop other disorders such as anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Though emetophobia is a lot less common than panic disorder, both are difficult to manage and typically make accomplishing everyday tasks more complicated. With panic disorder, one has to worry about whether or not he or she may have a panic attack during something important, such as an interview or class. A panic attack may cause that individual to blow an interview and not receive the job offer, or the student may have to leave that class and miss out on extremely important information. Over four million Americans suffer from panic disorder and agoraphobia, or the fear of having a panic attack while in public. Being one of those four million I understand that though people can get help, it is difficult to listen to advice when an individual is trying to control their own thoughts and simply remember to breathe. The most common symptoms of a panic attack are uncontrollable shaking, difficulty breathing, dizziness, nausea, fear, and a racing heartbeat. Panic attacks can range anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, making it hard for people to do simple things and handle the necessary stresses of life.
When I have a panic attack my panic disorder and emetophobia are combined. They intertwine with each other and play games within my own head. I swear sometimes I can hear them plotting and laughing about the next time they will cause me to be anxious. My panic disorder causes me to shake, cry and hold my breath, while my emetophobia causes me to pop peppermints like candy and tell myself over and over that I am not sick and I will not throw up. Imagine a young child being afraid of the dark, that child hides under their covers at night, hugs their knees close to their chest and rocks back and forth repeating over and over, “It’s only nighttime, I will be okay, it’s only nighttime I will be okay.” Not only do I feel like a small helpless child when I panic, but I repeatedly have to tell myself I will be okay no matter where I am. If I’m in a classroom and can’t leave I will repeat “Alaina you are going to be okay you are not sick so you aren’t going to throw up,” over in my head. If I am in a movie theatre or at the mall, I will repeat “Alaina you are going to be okay,” over in my head and go to the bathroom and splash water on my face. If I am lying alone in my bed at night, I will rock back and forth like that small child afraid of the dark and tell myself I will be okay and I don’t have the stomach virus. Yet, many times telling myself those things does absolutely nothing. My head turns into a storm of emotions and fears and the only way for the panic to end is to simply go through it.
In many cases, panic disorder is genetic. If a member of a family has a panic disorder, then that child is twice as likely to develop the anxiety and panic disorder themselves. My mother also has a panic disorder, and every day I would call her to tell her I wished I could do something to change the way I am. She feels as though it is her fault. In the emotional sense it isn’t. She didn’t personally make that panic attack happen – genetics just made me more susceptible to developing the same condition. Now that my anxiety is better, I know that even though it was passed down the genetic train (and skipped my lucky sister), it has made me stronger.
Some individuals go to therapists to receive help on trying to overcome their fears that spring up panic attacks or anxiety. I myself went to five different practitioners until I finally found someone who, to some extent, actually understood my anxiety. She helped me work on breathing exercises and tried to help me figure out why I was afraid of throwing up. Everyone with different disorders is taught different techniques. Most therapists I saw in the beginning would just say, “It’s because you feel like your are out of control.” And in some cases that may be true, but in others I believe it may just be unexplainable. My therapist helped me realize that it probably came from when I was a baby. When I was a child, I was lactose intolerant. Unknowingly, the doctors gave me formula that was milk-based. I spent three days projectile vomiting (as gross as that is) whatever my mother gave me to drink because the nurses would not listen to my mother when she said something was wrong. Finally, I got a new formula and all was dandy – until I threw up in my second grade classroom, that is. But I believe that everyone’s panic and fears are different and stem from distinct experiences. Our experiences mold us and change us. I truly believe that had I not gone through all those years of fear and proved to my peers, teachers, counselors and school staff that I could somewhat overcome those fears, I would not be at Rowan today.
Whenever I have a panic attack when I’m with a friend or my boyfriend, they always tell me to calm down and just breathe, that everything will be okay. But it will never be that easy. Most of the time, individuals suffering from a panic attack cannot even pinpoint the source of the anxiety themselves. Yes, with long hours of help, emetophobia or panic disorder in general can be slightly relieved, but it is typically something with which one will always struggle. Some people are obsessive compulsive, some are bi-polar and some are depressive, but I live with emetophobia and panic disorder. Until one experiences it, he or she will never fully understand it.
Sources
Veale, David Dr. “Emetophobia- What is Emetophobia.” Emetophobia - Fear of Vomiting. FRCPsych. 2009. Web. 26 Apr. 2011.
"Panic Attack Disorder Facts." Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia, Anxiety. N.p., n.d. Web. 26 Apr. 2011.